Do you ever find yourself your own harshest critic, especially when you're struggling? You're not alone. Many people I've worked with find it incredibly difficult to show kindness to themselves.
For some, kindness was always conditional growing up – warmth, comfort, or praise had to be 'earned.' This deeply ingrained concept often carries into adulthood, leaving them feeling undeserving of self-compassion, particularly when life gets hard. When overwhelmed, disappointed, or depressed, they tend to double down on that negative feeling by being mean to themselves on top of it. It's a painful cycle: feeling bad, then feeling bad for feeling bad, then beating themselves up for feeling bad, which only makes everything worse.
Understanding the Painful Cycle of Self-Criticism
When speaking to clients who feel this way, I often introduce the concept of ‘showing yourself grace’. Grace, in this context, is a radical act of unearned kindness – a compassionate pause you offer yourself simply because you are human. It's not about excusing inaction or avoiding responsibility, but rather about choosing to approach your struggles with understanding instead of harsh judgment.
Usually, when I introduce the concept of grace to clients, I'm often met with a look of skepticism, or even discomfort. I get it – it can feel incredibly foreign, even 'cringey,' to consider being kind to yourself when you're accustomed to relentless self-beratement. (One client told me, "That sounds like letting myself off the hook!") But over time, with practice, clients find it easier, and the voice they speak to themselves with gradually becomes more compassionate.
Debunking the Fear: Self-Kindness Fuels Motivation
One of the big worries people have is that if they are kinder to themselves, they’ll lose motivation or stop achieving the things they’re striving towards. The irony is, the harsh inner voice often leads to procrastination due to a paralysing fear of not being good enough.
The truth is, kindness is a better motivator than fear. Imagine a friend fails a test. Do you motivate them by calling them stupid and lazy, or by helping them study and reminding them they can do better? Self-compassion treats setbacks as a learning opportunity rather than a character flaw. It gives you the psychological safety needed to try again without the crippling fear of self-punishment. Self-kindness is the fuel; self-criticism is the brake.
What would it be like if instead you were to be encouraging, speaking to yourself like you speak to a loved one? Or if you were to take the rest your body was crying out for instead of pushing yourself to survive on 4 hours of sleep each night in your attempts to reach a deadline? Or if you just acknowledged that you were feeling overwhelmed, without telling yourself off for not being able to ‘handle the pressure’?
Practicing Self-Compassion: Small Steps for Big Changes
Like learning any new skill, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. And like any human, there will be times where you may revert back to old ways of thinking—that’s okay, you are human. The longer you practice, the more natural it will become to you. The major benefits? You’ll feel less ashamed and more able to bounce back from setbacks.
When you notice that negative inner voice starting up, try this simple two-step process:
The Two-Step Compassionate Pause
- Acknowledge and Validate: Gently say to yourself, "This is hard. I am feeling [stressed/disappointed/overwhelmed], and that's okay." By naming the emotion, you create a healthy distance from it.
- Offer the Opposite: Ask, "What would I say to a dear friend in this exact situation?" Then, offer that encouraging, warm, and non-judgemental language to yourself.
So, today, what's one small, kind thing you can do for yourself? Is it acknowledging a difficult emotion without judgment? Allowing yourself a moment of rest? Or simply whispering a gentle, encouraging word to yourself?